Just something.

I have to start out by saying that this is about my longing (of course, who else would I write about!). But even as I start out I am having trouble deciding which longing to talk about. All I do know is there is something I want to say.

Guess I’ve made up my mind.

Here is something I have been wanting for the past 5 years. I can’t remember anything else in my so many years of existence that I have wanted for this long or this much. Since I got into engineering my only thought has been to get out and do an MBA. That’s what I saw my future in. My daydreams almost always consisted of me in business suits in a company like Google or P&G, as a graduate from an IIM or a Columbia/Chicago. And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why, but I had absolutely no thought of a what-if-it-doesn’t-happen scenario. Funny thing is I am quasi confident about myself, which means that I am confident of my capabilities but not always the same of my ability to get what I want. But this was the one thing that I was absolutely, more than a 100%, certain of. That was my future and there were no two ways about it.

But of late I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I will get there with time to spare, or for that matter, even in the nick of time. I have begun to feel that I have perhaps missed the ticket and that this, today, is my future. And that, my dear person-with-patience-to-be-with-me-thus-far, is the stuff nightmares are made of. Being another ant in the flat world, running around with the same load as the others, all part of an assembly line, the end of which none has seen. I have scorned and laughed at all my fellow ants, and promised myself at every appraisal that it would be my last one in the company… only to be reneging that in the next appraisal cycle. And as you already guessed (or know), we are in the midst of an appraisal cycle right now. It looks as though I will definitely have a couple of more such cycles to go through before I swim ashore and out of the system.

I kind of get the feeling that I am stuck in a Hotel California situation.

I was reading ISB blogs today, discovered a few more contacts studying there. And I was thinking to myself, they’re there, one step closer, while here I am, still aspiring.

Whatever I imagined my first job to be, it certainly wasn’t this. It didn’t consist of waiting till Friday every week and waiting till month end, so that I could count down another month. Another month to what? I don’t know. Normally, payday lifts my spirits a wee bit. Today was payday and I am more depressed than ever. Even a visit to the icici bank website did nothing to ease the blues and neither did the fact that today is my favorite day of the week.

In other news, another Friday came and went and so did some more friends from the company. They bought their freedom, lucky buggers. As the week ended, so did the month, and now I am on the 20^th month. 4 more to go.

I dream of the day when I will be sending out one of those goodbye mails. Meanwhile I’ll just practice my typing skills and hope they come in use when I decide to begin my book – whenever that will be, if at all! And perfect the shortcuts for the smileys on MS Office Communicator.