Friday, November 23, 2007

Of Life, Dreams and Maturity

First off, I will have to say that I’m really surprised that I haven’t written about this earlier, because god knows I’ve talked about it to a lot of people. I guess it takes another (and most likely final) blow in the coffin to actually bring to focus the irony, if you can call it that, of it all.

It has been a long standing trend in my life of never getting what I want but always getting, too easily at that, what I least wanted. This isn’t to say that what I finally was given was something I did not desire. Rather I would say it was something that was never in my list of wanted or even unwanted things; it was just never in the periphery of my mind.

I think the phenomenon has been around in my life for a really long time but the only time I started to take notice was two years ago. The mechanigal had been led to believe that no core industries would recruit her at the end of her degree. Lucky for mechanigal, since two months on shopfloor of a CPG major’s chemical plant convinced her that shopfloor was not her do! So here I was all, deciding to put a foot in at a CAD company once engineering was through, when suddenly this job happened. It’s sudden because up until a year ago, the company would not allow us folk to sit for their placement process. I didn’t know what to make of it. I had not even begun my job thought process, let alone the search. I had an offer letter from India’s most respected company and I didn’t know if I should be amused or bemused! I had taken as given that I would never set foot inside an IT company but here I was trudging my way to Mysore!! Then at work, while I grappled with seemingly nonsensical bits of code and trying to put a foot in to bschool, the visa happened. Now armed with an h1b I am awaiting deputation – without ever wanting it! I still don’t know what I’m doing here, much less what I will do if sent onsite – for all practical purposes I know nothing in technology and just marginally more in domain. I just know that this where I do not want to be! That’s some clarity!!

Right now I’m clueless about what I am doing! Going through the motions with applications on my gmat while a million what-if scenarios keep running through my head. I plan and plan and plan and finally what happens is the one thing I would not have planned for. On the one hand there are my dreams and aspirations. On the other there is the need to deal with all the failures and screw ups keeping a straight face all the while – hibernating in the Himalayas after denouncing the material world isn’t an option, most unfortunately. And then, there’s life in itself, the one that’s threatening to spin way out of my control.

Regrettably, I really do know what they mean when they say that life’s what happens when you’re busy making other plans


Adi said...

this is called the "two year itch" for an IT professional. This is something 1000s and 1000s of people are going through right now. It basically means all is well :-).

'Smee! said...

I think you're just too much of a control freak. Stop planning and then you won't feel quite as helpless :P


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